The Bike Saga, I WIN EDITION!

The complete saga of our ordeal of having our bikes stolen and the incompetency of the Fairfax PD up to this point:

On August 18th our bikes were stolen off of our front porch in broad daylight. Police report filed.

September 13th, I almost run over the dumb bitch stole my wife's bike. She was actually riding the bike when this happened, right in front of my house...What kind of retard steals from their neighbor then rides the stolen goods right in front of their house? Her stupidity has turned out to be a blessing. We recover the bike after tracking the girl down. The girl claims to have bought the bike off of Craigslist... I guess the fact that her front door is 200' away from mine is just a coincedence... I call the cops and they catch up with the perp and her ladyboy looking boyfriend. Inexplicably the officer lets the girl walk...and doesn't even go and talk to her parents. Seriously he got her name and thats the extent of police work that he did. The real kicker here is that she is on probation... So here you have a girl in possession of stolen goods AND on probation and the Officer doesn't see the need to at least talk to the girl's parents. Makes perfect sense right?

Sidenote: The day the bikes were stolen I put an ad on CL notifying the CL community of the stolen bikes. I then monitored CL every day after that looking for our bikes.

September 16th, my wife runs into these two geniuses and tells them to do the right thing and give the other bike back (mine). They basically tell her to fuck off and mock her. I believe the boy's exact quote was "do you even know what CL is?" Implying that my wife is old, stupid and out of touch.

Fast forward to sometime in early December; After not hearing from Officer Softie I decided to get in touch with the Chief of Police and let him know how unhappy I was with how this case was handled. The Officer actually told my wife he was closing the case because there was nothing he could do...remember the girl was actually caught riding the bike! So the Chief had the case reopened and CL was issued a court order to release the records for August-Sept. This will prove that the bikes were not purchased and that the girl/boy did steal them.

Mid January; The Officer working the case called me and let me know of the court order and what was going on with the case. He also gave me the girl's first name...

Jan 23rd; It was a slow day at work and I started thinking about this shit (which really pisses me off to no end). So I google her name and find her Facebook page. I then had my wife look at the girl's friends to see if she recognized the boy...bingo. Now I have the kid's name. Off to whitepages to try and find his address. It was a semi common last name so there were a few options. My deputy looked at the school zones for the local high school and we chose the most probable address. Printed out directions etc.

Jan 24th; We go to the house where we think the nerd lives. The guy that lived there answered the door cautiously and we asked if he had a son. It turned out he did but this wasn't our perp. The guy was sympathetic and thought it was awesome that we were trying to recover our bike. He asked for my phone number and offered to help if he could (he had the same last name as the perp). Within five minutes he called me and said he knew where the kid lived. His wife and the perp's mother shared the same name so they often got the each others mail. He gave me the address of the other home.

We go to speak with the kid's parents. The father answered the door.
Me: Do you have a son named "nerdkid?"
Dad: Yeah...
Me: Does he have a red bike?
Dad: ..come in.

He knew exactly why we were there and he said he suspected that his son had stolen the bike. We then had coffee with the parents. They really could not have been any nicer. How that kid is such a loser I don't know. So I go the bike back and I'm going to confront the kid tomorrow. The father actually wants me to shave the kid's head, I'm considering it.

ME>Fairfax PD.
I got my bike back!

Things that annoy me.

In no order an incomplete list of things that really get on my nerves:

People that take pictures with their cell phone repeatedly at concerts. Just seeing morons hold their phone up annoys the shit out of me.

Cell phones in general, worst invention ever.

People that don't cut the tag off of the outside of their coat/sport coat sleeve. It's a tag, it's not part of the coat/jacket...you are supposed to cut it off.

Anyone that drives a Lexus. Have you ever seen a good driver behind the wheel, my guess is no. If you see a Lexus on the road you can pretty much guarantee the driver is a self absorbed jackoff that can't drive.

The protesting carpenters in DC...it's been three years fucking give it up already. No one can understand a word you are saying and the beating on buckets is fucking annoying. It's been three years, you losers could have a Bachelor's degree by now.

New Chevy Truck commercials. Have you seen these yet? They star the mouth breathing Howie Long. If you watch NFL games you have surely seen them. Instead of touting the good points of Chevy trucks it is basically a smear campaign on Ford and Dodge trucks. Ford has some sort of step and Howie mocks the guy for using it...I guess only pussies and girly guys need to use steps... In the other commercial tough guy Howie mocks another driver because he has a heated steering wheel...the nerve. Only a pussie girly man that loves men would drive a truck that had a heated steering wheel!

NFL Pregame shows. Next to Bromance this is the worst shit on TV. I can't stand to watch former players act out plays on a fake football field. It's almost as bad as looking at Mike Ditka's face.

UltraCarnivores: These are the morons that say shit like "for every animal you don't eat I will eat three." I'm not a vegetarian anymore and I do eat meat from time to time but I don't understand why someone would say something so stupid.

Furs: Explained in a previous post. Don't wear/buy fur people, it is not attractive.

Ugg's: Speaking of unattractive, those Ugg boots need to go back to the stone age. I don't care what you say they are worse than Croc's.

Metro, where do I start?

• Close standers: When the train is empty some people insist on standing right next to you.
• Stinkers: Some people do not know what deodorant is. Really fun when the train is over capacity.
• Fatty's: I really could care less if someone is fat as long as it doesn't affect me. However, when someone is so fat they take up two seats I do have a problem with that. The worst is when one of these leviathans sits next to you.
• Rollerdouchebags: These are people that use Rollerbags. I can understand using a Rollerbag when you are going on a trip but do you need to bring the fucking thing on the train every day. Be a man and pick the fucking bag up.
• Poleleaners: These are the people that lean on the poles so that no one else can grab a hold of it.
• It's too hot for the metro to run: Every summer the train will experience major delays when the temperature goes over 90 degrees. This is really awesome when you are trying to get home.
  

Fur Coats

I am so fucking sick of seeing dumb whores wearing fur coats. I swear I see at least one per day now. Every time I see one of these mental midgets I fantasize about walking up behind them and slitting their throats.

Some dumb whore on the metro this morning was dressed head to toe in dead animals. Totally sick. In this day and age how could you even consider wearing a fur coat? I can't wrap my head around that at all. The fur trade should be outlawed OR you should be allowed to murder anyone that wears fur, that would be fair. It would only be fitting that someone was murdered for wearing a fur coat...the same reason the original owner of the coat was...

I'm here for Brett, ranking the skanks

So I've watched both previous seasons of Rock of Love. I'd like to say it was because my wife made me but I will admit, it is entertaining. This season the skanks are even skankier, here is how I would rate them:

1) Mindi

Congrats, you win. Not the best looking but not nearly as tall as Maria.

2) Maria

Not the best picture of her but she is by far the best looking one of the bunch. Too tall for me though...

3) Kelsey

She is cute and pretty dumb, which in most guys minds is the dream combo.

4) Megan

She looked better on the show. She may have been eliminated, I'm not sure.

5) Natasha

She might actually be attractive...once the clown makeup comes off we'll know for sure.

6) Juggs McGee

A definite drop off but she does have giant life preservers serving as boobs.

7) Marcy

I'd guess she is only about 30 but looks 43ish.

8) Butterynipple Snatch

The first true skank of the count down.

9) the Pornstar with a heart of gold

She may have done porn but who hasn't done something in their past that they regret? Guys, think of it as practice.

10) El Loco Chica

Mmm Pukey kisses.

11) Future Trophy Wife

Some old dude will snatch up this Jessica Simpson knock off. Seems really dull.

12) Farrah Fuxxxit

Typical bar skank. If she is there at last call its beats rubbing one out.

13) Rosy Cheek Pierce

I want to like her more than I do. Something about her bothers me.

14) The Outhouse Pet

How did this one get into Penthouse? Juggs magazine or a Hooters I can see but Penthouse? c'mon lets get serious.

15) The Spirit of Crazy

She is the "spiritual" one. By spiritual I mean ultra crazy.

16) Ummm.

?

17) The Drinking Buddy

Sure you can buy me a drink buddy.

18) 2am Special

See #12. Not as skanky, just as easy.

19) Hello Kitterjuggs Balloonhair

Huge fake boobs? Check. Horrible tats? Double check.

20) Every STD Known to Man

Oh man. 5' 1", 40d's, Herpes, Gonorrhea, #8's jizz, Syphilis, Chlamydia, Aids. She is all kinds of nasty.

Challenge: Dinner with three people

If I could have dinner with three people I know who I'd choose:

1) George Carlin. No explanation needed, really funny, shares a lot of my views.
2) David Brent. Yes he is a fictional character but it's my game and I choose Brent. (Ricky Gervais' character from the Office, UK).
3) Tom Cruise. No, I'm not a fan of Tom Cruise or anything but he would be great.

Tom Cruise would be himself (insane), Carlin would call him on it and David Brent would try to out-crazy Cruise. That would be epic.

Beat that.